Poor Heart……

What do you do when you know someone and things are going pretty well between the two of you and then things just stop out of the blue or the situation changes and now you have mixed feelings and emotions about a person. Like you feel like things should or could be better if things never changed or the sudden stop of whatever it was between the two of you never stopped for whatever reason that it did. But you also feel like when it stopped everything changed and nothing was the same(lol drake reference) but you can’t tell for sure if it’s still going to be the same as it was before or you have a totally different situation in front of you…….what if you decided to let your heart decide and even then you still can’t figure out how you should go about it, like do you put yourself in a situation where you could possibly get yourself hurt and looking stupid or it’s going to be back to the way it was before. 
How can you tell when you’re being paranoid or just cautious about getting hurt yet again, not knowing what someone’s intentions are is possibly the scariest thing that you can ever face no matter how good you think things are. Ill-willed intentions from one person and a willing person is a toxic mix. The kind of combinations that really messes with a persons thought process and ability to connect with people on that kind of level. How can you even approach a person with the feelings you’re facing and properly explain yourself when you don’t even know what’s going on and how you feel about it? How can it be cleared when you can’t even get a clear process in your own head.
Should you just let things flow and go as the please and deal with situations as they come about or should you man up or lady up and take the step towards figuring out what’s going on. Even the best of feelings can be wrong if they not shared. Knowing is the best thing even when it’s not what you want it to be, it’s still better than being led on by your own stubbornness and getting yourself into a situation where you hurt and feeling stupid when it could’ve all been avoided with a simple conversation that can make everything clear as day. But how do you go about starting that conversation when you really don’t know how you feel or if the other person is even feeling you like that and it’s really just all in your head. How can you avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself out there and it not even be as serious as you thought it was…….
Or could it just be you, could you be that kind of person that is just way to nice and ultimately taking advantage of or taken for granted…could it be that you’re expecting this to be a certain way because that’s how you are but they really not because the other person doesn’t have the same mindset as you do. You have this thing about you and you just care and feel too much too soon and the people that you give yourself to know this and use that against you and you just end up wondering why this always happen to you. How do you guard yourself for yourself? How can you not give that vibe off of “I care entirely too much” and still have the same experience without being taking advantage of…..

What makes things so difficult is not being able to separate feelings and facts getting to the root of all things with mixed emotions and 

Title Unknown…….

I guess I’m not over you even though you broke my heart, the fact that you broke the biggest part of me should be enough reason to move on. But you are the first person that I’ve ever loved since my family and it’s hard for me to let you go, the love that no one will ever really know. Maybe I’m being foolish for still loving the man that broke my heart into pieces so many times before. Maybe you are the one that I’m suppose to be with or maybe I’m holding on to a dream that you’re suppose to be mine forever. Call me crazy, call me a dreamer, or call me a fool but I still have dreams about having a life with you.  This dream may just be a dream and have no reality to it but it’s a dream that I wish would still come true. Maybe I should let go of this dream and face reality, the reality that I’ll never be yours and only yours and you’ll never be mine and only mine. I have to find a way to deal with that, live my life, and be just fine. Even though you once meant the world to me and I once thought that what  we would never break I had to realize that it was all in my head a just a mistake. I have to let you go and that’s probably going to be the hardest thing that I’ll ever have to do, but letting myself be in constant pain is something that I just can not face myself to do. I refuse to be the person you come crying to when things with the girl you’re with doesn’t work out. I’m not a backup, I’m not the second option, I’m not the one who will sit around and let you do whatever you want an be here when you need me. This is far from the reality that I thought I would be living and it hurts my heart that it has come this far. I don’t want to drift apart but I need a break from you, a break from hearing your heartbreak, and a break from you breaking mine…….I don’t know if this is goodbye forever or goodbye for now but it’s time for me to live a life that’s for me and not revolved around you and the plans that I once had with you. Time for me to face my fears and reality become a better me, so that if we are meant to be than I’ll be the me that I need to be so that it’ll be the happy ending that I always thought it would be……….

What is Love?

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he randomly asked me “What does it feel like being in love and how would I personally describe the feeling of it” and I had no answer for him and that got me thinking and looking back at past relationships where “I love you” was exchanged and I began to wonder if anyone truly knew what love meant. As I thought about this question and thought what love really meant and it became clear to me that today’s society doesn’t know what it means to love somebody and that’s because my generation as a whole doesn’t know what it means to love a person. And how could we with all the  music and everything that is being played out through the media. It’s all showing the same things lying, cheating, saying “I’m sorry baby I love you”, and taking the person back so they can do it all over again. That’s not love, that’s not being a ride or die, that’s just being flat out stupid! True enough there are times where you are in a relationship and a person cheats and the are truly sorry they will never do it again but most of the time that’s not the case. Most of the time people do things to see how much they can get away with because you allow them too. So as I was thinking about all of this I decided to actually look up what love meant and in the urban dictionary the first thing that popped up was “nature’s way of tricking people into reproducing” and for a moment I was taken back but then I slowly started to realize that if you replace nature with society it kind of makes sense (not that I agree with this concept of love) people will tell you they love you just to something from you. Never really meaning a word of what they say and once they get what they want or get tired of dealing with you they switch up so fast that it’s not funny. Sometimes in the process along this lines they slip up and things happen, not really intending for something like to happen but it does and some females decide to live with the choices that they have made and others decide to run away. So it happens I get it but somewhere down the lines of humanity we have lost the meaning of love and became more concern about sex. We’ve become confused to the fact that lust is not love and you can’t fake real feelings for a person. The truth will eventually comes out in one way or another, if it be from slipping up while with that person or just being tired of faking feelings for them. Faking love or should I say trying to pass your lust off as love can’t be kept up for long and when all the fun and hot steamy emotion that came in the beginning of the relationship fades away that’s when all the lies and cheating starts to come about. Then you’re left with few options, you either stick around hoping things will change and go back to the way they were before or admit the truth and move on with your life, but not many people will or can do that. But when you think about it we all know that’s not what love is so what really is love? Looking back at those relationships where “I love you” was exchanged I can say this, no I may not have been in love but yes  I felt a connection with that person at the time and was really happy to be with them. The more I think about this the more concepts of what love could be came to mind and the first idea that came to mind was being together through whatever comes your way, being a ride or die for that person. Then I quickly realize that sometimes being that ride or die can get you in the wrong situation or can leave you looking stupid when you’re with the wrong person. But then I thought that love was never giving up on “us”, always fighting for us and never turning your back on “us”. This was a better thought but at the same time it doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t want to make things work or is you keep bring up the past hurt and the past pain. But that’s when it hit me that love can be more than one concept more than one idea. Love can be both of these things and more, the more I thought and the more I debated about what love is it slowly started to ring a bell about what love was. The first thing that came to mind was that love is kind, and the more I thought more something else came to about love being true. I wondered where I had heard all of this before and I began to realize that love was many things that I already knew and was taught as a child. The things that stuck out the most that I can really remember love to be was patient and kind! So of course I had to figure out where I heard or possibly read this before. It came to me that I knew this from school and church and just through reading for myself “love is kind and patient, it doesn’t get jealous or boastful, proud, or rude. Love doesn’t demand its own way, it is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It doesn’t rejoice about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through ever circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 new living translation) it took me awhile to remember this but this is love no if ands or buts about it! There’s no way around it no matter how you want to word it that’s what love comes down it and what it’ll always will be. There’s no denying it because no matter how you try to word it, it always comes out the same. Our generation doesn’t know what love is because we haven’t been taught how to love or haven’t been shown how to love someone.  Instead we’ve been shown what the media wants us to think what love is and how we should be in relationships making us think that disloyalty and lack of trust is okay. We have become confused and lost our way to what a relationship should be and how it should feel, we have come to a point where lust has become the new way to say love. We should find fix the meaning of love and come back to the point where we know what love is. Knowing what love is should be apart of what media shows what we teach our children. To make a better tomorrow you have to start today, if you want to make the world a more loving place we have to know what love is then show it……….. 

Being the Bigger Person

In this day and age being the bigger person can be a challenge. With all the social media sites out throwing shad is so easy that it makes being a internet thug easy as pie. People like to put so much out on the internet to the point that you actually sit there and wonder why is this person putting all of this out there? When in real life we all know none of it is true! I find it funny that people what other people to be so impressed that they will post anything they think will get them respect. But they fail to realize that the people that actually know look at those things and know the truth about you. I’m going to get back to that a little later but when you post things that you got going on that you’re proud of there’s always going to be people that have negative things to say and sometimes those people are people you thought were your friends! They do what ever they can to bring you down and to throw all kinds of shad on your page and its like what do you do? It’s hard to be the bigger person when you know that you could easily say something to shut them up but why would you want to scoop to that level? It’s like everybody wants to be grown and be seen as an adult but the ones who are always posting and saying I’m grown, grown and sexy and I know it be the same ones who are always the ones who stay on social media starting drama or talking mess about other people. You see being an adult doesn’t come with age, it comes with mental maturity and a lot of people fail to realize that. People think that just because you are legally an adult in the sight of the government does not mean you are there mentally! What people fail to realize is the amount of things that you have or the fact that you have your own place at a certain age doesn’t make you grown! When in reality if you look at those people everything that have is threw the government(section 8, food stamps, etc.) which is nothing wrong with it but it becomes a problem when they take it out of hand. It becomes a problem when you broadcast what you can do with the extra money that you have since the government is paying for most of the things you should be taking care of. Being “grown” is a term people associate with age but being an adult comes when you are taking care of your business as a person. Therefore those people that call themselves grown may need to readjust them outlook on things and realize that they are legal but they aren’t fooling anybody when they say they are adults. When they sit on facebook and twitter waiting for some internet drama to pop up so they can start some drama with people who are working hard to  get to where they want to be in life. For the fact that there are people out here like that makes it hard for other people to be the bigger person and let things go. Because you already know that once you post just about anything you are going to have those who are going to come with the shady comments and be petty on what you post. Being the bigger person comes from being a mature person and a lot of people fail to realize that it doesn’t come with age but with experience in handling everyday life. Being the bigger person can be a challenge especially when you know things that can hurt that persons feelings  and shut them and stop them from posting anymore shady comments on your page. But choosing to take the high road shows that just because you can doesn’t mean you should, sometimes not saying something negative back is the best action you can take with those kinds of people. Growing and learning from life is way more fulfilling than holding on to certain things that have happen and stick with it. But not everyone knows that…………

Expectations vs. Reality 

When things and events come up we normally have an idea of how we think it should play out already in our heads and most of the time it doesn’t happen that way. And we are okay but what happens it does happen that way? Why do we get so up tight and kind of stand off-ish to the situation that we created in our minds? I know for a fact that this just happen to me the other day. A wedding was coming up and I was thinking that I was going to get dressed up all nice and look great and somebody was going to ask for my number that night! Well, that’s exactly what happen! The wedding came and I got dressed up all nice and everything and I guess I caught the eye of one of the groomsmen and just as I was getting to leave the reception he pulled me to the side (well it was more like escorted me to the side) and asked me for my number and instead of being flattered at the time I was freaked out like how you just gone pull me away like that and just cold out ask me for my number? But as I sat and  actually thought about it that what people do all the time. We always have some type of how things are suppose to be and when they happen that way, or close to that way, we panic and become stand off-ish. Instead if realizing that this is what we wanted to happen and accept the situation as is we feel sone type of way about it and make a big deal about it. You see, I didn’t expect it to happen and let alone in the fashion that it did but when I sat down and thought and thought I actually did want something like that to happen and the fact that it happened while I was leaving  just shows that I was an opportunity that couldn’t be missed (sounds a like bit conceited but whatever). We never realize that what we want to happen never actually happens the exact way that we thought it should but sometimes it does happen. We think that it should happen the way that we want it or it’s not going to happen at all! Which is pretty messed up because nobody can read our thoughts so how can it happen the exact way you want it when no one knows how it do it. We get caught up in our thoughts and in our own minds that we forget that not everything is going to happen the way that you wanted, when you want it, or ever where you wanted it to happen. Life never works out the way that we want it, if it did we then it wouldn’t be life it’d be a plan. But that’s the fun of life not knowing how things are gong to play out having to go with the flow of things. That’s what makes life a challenge, facing what’s in front of you and finding away to deal with and overcoming it. I mean it’s cool to have expectations to what you want to happen but at the same time don’t let that get in the way of you having fun and getting things done. Stop worrying so much about what you think that should happen and start focusing what’s happening in the here and now and enjoy life!

Just an Ordinary Girl

If you have notice I haven’t posted in the pass few days and that’s because I’ve had writer’s block! Sucks I know because the more you post the more likely you’ll be seen! But lately I just haven’t had a single thing to talk about until last night. A few nights ago I had a heard from a person that use to know me well and he was telling me that he like my blog, as the conversation (and I use that term loosely seeing how i was half sleep and didn’t say much) went along he began to say that I don’t enjoy myself and I began to wonder what made him feel this way? Sure, I don’t much of anything that doesn’t involve school, work, or my son but does that mean that I wasn’t enjoying life?? Am I just that simple of a person that I really have become predictable?? Have I become that kind of person that has a daily routine or weekly one? Have I become so involved with the things that are suppose to be apart of my life that they have taken over my life completely? Sure I take sometimes have to take time off from school because I frankly forgot to get my classes in on time but even then I still don’t do anything with that time that I have since I’m not in class. I rather stay at home and spend time with my son, is that a bad thing? True enough  there are times that I want to go out and have a nice time but what is there to  do when you don’t like big crowds of people and don’t like crowded places? Then he asked me what am I really passionate about? Then it struck me, the only thing (outside of my family) that I am passionate about is my writing! I been writing since I was fifteen and it seems to be the one thing about me that hasn’t changed. Writing has always been my go to pastime, my outlet for rough times, and just the one thing that I can always do when I have time to myself. You see writing is the only time where things seem to complete sense to me. But I never share my writings for fear of rejection. I’m very sensitive about the feed back that I get about my writing because it’s about of me and if you don’t like my writing then you don’t like me. That’s how I’ve always felt about anything that I do or any thing that I put out there for the world to see. I’ve always been that type of person that keeps everything inside and I never share things, I never saw myself as anything more that an ordinary girl. People tell me that I’m good and things or that I’m beautiful and I smile and say thank you. When  really on the inside I just see and think of myself as very simple and ordinary. Nothing special to look at, just an okay person that gets by on the sweat of her brow. I sometimes I find it hard to take complements from some people because I feel like they are only saying it to not hurt my feelings. I mean I know it’s the saying if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all but it’s like don’t say something that you don’t mean either. I mean but that’s me, I feel how I feel and my opinion might not be right or you may feel a different way but this is who I am and well it’s not love lost if you don’t want to be around me. I’m okay with being alone, I don’t need to be around a bunch of people to make myself happy. But that’s what’s bee on my mind and that’s what I decided to write about, so until next time………..

Love the Skin You’re in!

In this day and age we live in a society that makes it hard for us women to love the person that we are. Either it’s because we are too small, too big, hair not long enough, or what gets me the most growing up being too dark. As a child I never thought anything of my hair, skin, hair, or any other identifying feature that I have, it didn’t being to matter until about middle school. That’s when I started to get picked on for being skinny and being too dark but being praised about my hair. That’s when I became insure about myself and I really became hard on myself about every little detail. I thought that since everybody already liked my hair that if I could just reach a certain level of social beauty that they would like me. That if I could only gain a little weight and find away to become a few shades lighter I would be liked and I would fit in with the cool kids. I never considered myself to be beautiful, I took every little comment to heart and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. I have very low self-esteem all through out middle school and high school. I felt that I was too dark and that I was too skinny and that I would never be beautiful. But even when I took steps to become beautiful I was still talked about! When i thought putting on some weight would make me look better, I was called fat! When I started to lose weight they called me too skinny and thought that I was starving myself, it was a never ending battle. It seem to be that the only thing that I got and good feed back on was my hair but even then after awhile they started talking about that too. They would say that I think that I’m too cute because my hair was long. Coming to terms with the person that I am was  really hard, I have to over come the self image of myself that I could never become and being to love the me that God made. By my senior year I began to accept and even come to terms that I was dark and I would never get any lighter than this. The darker the sweeter the juice was probably was the most use phrase I heard when I started accepted being dark skin. I had to accept that my black  was beautiful and that I should never let anyone tell me anything different! As the years went along I became to love the person that I and began to accept the fact that I won’t always be everyones cup of tea but there is people out there that love me they way that I am and love the way that God made me and wouldn’t change a single ting about me! Yes there are days that I still feel down about myself and yes there are times that I wonder what my life would be like if I had reach that level of social beauty. Maybe just maybe my life would be that I would be happier, that I would have been more popular in school. But that doesn’t mean that I would change who I am, I love myself and the skin that I’m end. My black is bold, beautiful, strong, and brave.  And there’s nothing better than that! Be you be confidante and embrace the person you are!