I guess I’m not over you even though you broke my heart, the fact that you broke the biggest part of me should be enough reason to move on. But you are the first person that I’ve ever loved since my family and it’s hard for me to let you go, the love that no one will ever really know. Maybe I’m being foolish for still loving the man that broke my heart into pieces so many times before. Maybe you are the one that I’m suppose to be with or maybe I’m holding on to a dream that you’re suppose to be mine forever. Call me crazy, call me a dreamer, or call me a fool but I still have dreams about having a life with you. This dream may just be a dream and have no reality to it but it’s a dream that I wish would still come true. Maybe I should let go of this dream and face reality, the reality that I’ll never be yours and only yours and you’ll never be mine and only mine. I have to find a way to deal with that, live my life, and be just fine. Even though you once meant the world to me and I once thought that what we would never break I had to realize that it was all in my head a just a mistake. I have to let you go and that’s probably going to be the hardest thing that I’ll ever have to do, but letting myself be in constant pain is something that I just can not face myself to do. I refuse to be the person you come crying to when things with the girl you’re with doesn’t work out. I’m not a backup, I’m not the second option, I’m not the one who will sit around and let you do whatever you want an be here when you need me. This is far from the reality that I thought I would be living and it hurts my heart that it has come this far. I don’t want to drift apart but I need a break from you, a break from hearing your heartbreak, and a break from you breaking mine…….I don’t know if this is goodbye forever or goodbye for now but it’s time for me to live a life that’s for me and not revolved around you and the plans that I once had with you. Time for me to face my fears and reality become a better me, so that if we are meant to be than I’ll be the me that I need to be so that it’ll be the happy ending that I always thought it would be……….
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he randomly asked me “What does it feel like being in love and how would I personally describe the feeling of it” and I had no answer for him and that got me thinking and looking back at past relationships where “I love you” was exchanged and I began to wonder if anyone truly knew what love meant. As I thought about this question and thought what love really meant and it became clear to me that today’s society doesn’t know what it means to love somebody and that’s because my generation as a whole doesn’t know what it means to love a person. And how could we with all the music and everything that is being played out through the media. It’s all showing the same things lying, cheating, saying “I’m sorry baby I love you”, and taking the person back so they can do it all over again. That’s not love, that’s not being a ride or die, that’s just being flat out stupid! True enough there are times where you are in a relationship and a person cheats and the are truly sorry they will never do it again but most of the time that’s not the case. Most of the time people do things to see how much they can get away with because you allow them too. So as I was thinking about all of this I decided to actually look up what love meant and in the urban dictionary the first thing that popped up was “nature’s way of tricking people into reproducing” and for a moment I was taken back but then I slowly started to realize that if you replace nature with society it kind of makes sense (not that I agree with this concept of love) people will tell you they love you just to something from you. Never really meaning a word of what they say and once they get what they want or get tired of dealing with you they switch up so fast that it’s not funny. Sometimes in the process along this lines they slip up and things happen, not really intending for something like to happen but it does and some females decide to live with the choices that they have made and others decide to run away. So it happens I get it but somewhere down the lines of humanity we have lost the meaning of love and became more concern about sex. We’ve become confused to the fact that lust is not love and you can’t fake real feelings for a person. The truth will eventually comes out in one way or another, if it be from slipping up while with that person or just being tired of faking feelings for them. Faking love or should I say trying to pass your lust off as love can’t be kept up for long and when all the fun and hot steamy emotion that came in the beginning of the relationship fades away that’s when all the lies and cheating starts to come about. Then you’re left with few options, you either stick around hoping things will change and go back to the way they were before or admit the truth and move on with your life, but not many people will or can do that. But when you think about it we all know that’s not what love is so what really is love? Looking back at those relationships where “I love you” was exchanged I can say this, no I may not have been in love but yes I felt a connection with that person at the time and was really happy to be with them. The more I think about this the more concepts of what love could be came to mind and the first idea that came to mind was being together through whatever comes your way, being a ride or die for that person. Then I quickly realize that sometimes being that ride or die can get you in the wrong situation or can leave you looking stupid when you’re with the wrong person. But then I thought that love was never giving up on “us”, always fighting for us and never turning your back on “us”. This was a better thought but at the same time it doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t want to make things work or is you keep bring up the past hurt and the past pain. But that’s when it hit me that love can be more than one concept more than one idea. Love can be both of these things and more, the more I thought and the more I debated about what love is it slowly started to ring a bell about what love was. The first thing that came to mind was that love is kind, and the more I thought more something else came to about love being true. I wondered where I had heard all of this before and I began to realize that love was many things that I already knew and was taught as a child. The things that stuck out the most that I can really remember love to be was patient and kind! So of course I had to figure out where I heard or possibly read this before. It came to me that I knew this from school and church and just through reading for myself “love is kind and patient, it doesn’t get jealous or boastful, proud, or rude. Love doesn’t demand its own way, it is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It doesn’t rejoice about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through ever circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 new living translation) it took me awhile to remember this but this is love no if ands or buts about it! There’s no way around it no matter how you want to word it that’s what love comes down it and what it’ll always will be. There’s no denying it because no matter how you try to word it, it always comes out the same. Our generation doesn’t know what love is because we haven’t been taught how to love or haven’t been shown how to love someone. Instead we’ve been shown what the media wants us to think what love is and how we should be in relationships making us think that disloyalty and lack of trust is okay. We have become confused and lost our way to what a relationship should be and how it should feel, we have come to a point where lust has become the new way to say love. We should find fix the meaning of love and come back to the point where we know what love is. Knowing what love is should be apart of what media shows what we teach our children. To make a better tomorrow you have to start today, if you want to make the world a more loving place we have to know what love is then show it………..
When things and events come up we normally have an idea of how we think it should play out already in our heads and most of the time it doesn’t happen that way. And we are okay but what happens it does happen that way? Why do we get so up tight and kind of stand off-ish to the situation that we created in our minds? I know for a fact that this just happen to me the other day. A wedding was coming up and I was thinking that I was going to get dressed up all nice and look great and somebody was going to ask for my number that night! Well, that’s exactly what happen! The wedding came and I got dressed up all nice and everything and I guess I caught the eye of one of the groomsmen and just as I was getting to leave the reception he pulled me to the side (well it was more like escorted me to the side) and asked me for my number and instead of being flattered at the time I was freaked out like how you just gone pull me away like that and just cold out ask me for my number? But as I sat and actually thought about it that what people do all the time. We always have some type of how things are suppose to be and when they happen that way, or close to that way, we panic and become stand off-ish. Instead if realizing that this is what we wanted to happen and accept the situation as is we feel sone type of way about it and make a big deal about it. You see, I didn’t expect it to happen and let alone in the fashion that it did but when I sat down and thought and thought I actually did want something like that to happen and the fact that it happened while I was leaving just shows that I was an opportunity that couldn’t be missed (sounds a like bit conceited but whatever). We never realize that what we want to happen never actually happens the exact way that we thought it should but sometimes it does happen. We think that it should happen the way that we want it or it’s not going to happen at all! Which is pretty messed up because nobody can read our thoughts so how can it happen the exact way you want it when no one knows how it do it. We get caught up in our thoughts and in our own minds that we forget that not everything is going to happen the way that you wanted, when you want it, or ever where you wanted it to happen. Life never works out the way that we want it, if it did we then it wouldn’t be life it’d be a plan. But that’s the fun of life not knowing how things are gong to play out having to go with the flow of things. That’s what makes life a challenge, facing what’s in front of you and finding away to deal with and overcoming it. I mean it’s cool to have expectations to what you want to happen but at the same time don’t let that get in the way of you having fun and getting things done. Stop worrying so much about what you think that should happen and start focusing what’s happening in the here and now and enjoy life!
If you have notice I haven’t posted in the pass few days and that’s because I’ve had writer’s block! Sucks I know because the more you post the more likely you’ll be seen! But lately I just haven’t had a single thing to talk about until last night. A few nights ago I had a heard from a person that use to know me well and he was telling me that he like my blog, as the conversation (and I use that term loosely seeing how i was half sleep and didn’t say much) went along he began to say that I don’t enjoy myself and I began to wonder what made him feel this way? Sure, I don’t much of anything that doesn’t involve school, work, or my son but does that mean that I wasn’t enjoying life?? Am I just that simple of a person that I really have become predictable?? Have I become that kind of person that has a daily routine or weekly one? Have I become so involved with the things that are suppose to be apart of my life that they have taken over my life completely? Sure I take sometimes have to take time off from school because I frankly forgot to get my classes in on time but even then I still don’t do anything with that time that I have since I’m not in class. I rather stay at home and spend time with my son, is that a bad thing? True enough there are times that I want to go out and have a nice time but what is there to do when you don’t like big crowds of people and don’t like crowded places? Then he asked me what am I really passionate about? Then it struck me, the only thing (outside of my family) that I am passionate about is my writing! I been writing since I was fifteen and it seems to be the one thing about me that hasn’t changed. Writing has always been my go to pastime, my outlet for rough times, and just the one thing that I can always do when I have time to myself. You see writing is the only time where things seem to complete sense to me. But I never share my writings for fear of rejection. I’m very sensitive about the feed back that I get about my writing because it’s about of me and if you don’t like my writing then you don’t like me. That’s how I’ve always felt about anything that I do or any thing that I put out there for the world to see. I’ve always been that type of person that keeps everything inside and I never share things, I never saw myself as anything more that an ordinary girl. People tell me that I’m good and things or that I’m beautiful and I smile and say thank you. When really on the inside I just see and think of myself as very simple and ordinary. Nothing special to look at, just an okay person that gets by on the sweat of her brow. I sometimes I find it hard to take complements from some people because I feel like they are only saying it to not hurt my feelings. I mean I know it’s the saying if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all but it’s like don’t say something that you don’t mean either. I mean but that’s me, I feel how I feel and my opinion might not be right or you may feel a different way but this is who I am and well it’s not love lost if you don’t want to be around me. I’m okay with being alone, I don’t need to be around a bunch of people to make myself happy. But that’s what’s bee on my mind and that’s what I decided to write about, so until next time………..